A typical Monday on the BBC in 2020...
6am - Sieg Heil Britain
Now that Naga has been deported, Dan 'Anodyne' Walker and Louise 'Ditzy' Minchon discuss non-inflammatory issues of the day. Includes Michael Gove discussing how to best use other peoples' discarded food and Bureaucracy News with that lanky Geordie girl.
9am - The Jacob Rees Mogg Show
Replacing Victoria Derbyshire (who was deemed too radical), JRM hosts a series of debates and pressing issues, such as 'Nannies - should we all have them?' and 'What to do if someone with a turban gets into your First Class carriage?' Includes the weather misrepresented by Nigel Farage and where to buy the cheapest lobsters and truffles with Lucy Worsley.
11am - Dissidents Under the Hammer
This week the team (sans Dion Dublin who is now employed by Nigerian TV) go to the barren wastelands of the North East and execute any well-meaning hand-wringing liberal who thinks prejudice is wrong. Lucy Alexander whips up a storm in her bondage gear as she and William Hague (Dion's replacement) torture some misguided food bank volunteers.
12pm - Immigrant in the Attic
Paul Martin and a team of undercover former SAS members perform dawn raids on houses believed to have illegals in their loft. This week the team visit Jeremy Corbyn and make an astounding discovery on his allotment.
12.30pm - Escape From the Country
The team 'help' illegal immigrants, economic migrants and asylum seekers return to their own countries. Witness the highly emotional reunions with people they hoped they'd never see again.
1pm - The Good News
Presented by Ian Duncan Smith.
1.30pm - The Regional Good News
1.35pm - Bad Neighbours
Soap: Bob and Mavis are horrified that their neighbours displayed a 'Vote Labour' poster in their window and have been seen conversing with Poles, even buying things from their shop. Two local boys are accused of killing Mrs Mangold - who they laughingly called Mrs Mango - but despite all the evidence, the local police think it's actually a left wing conspiracy designed to bring the neighbourhood down.
2pm - Ready, Steady, Shop Your Friend
Jeremy Kyle invites people onto his show to tell the world about the insidious things they think their friends (who aren't sharing their lives on Facebook) are up to. If the claims are proved right, they get a chance to play for the £8 jackpot and determine what punishment fits the crime.
2.45pm - Money for Hard Graft
More tales of hardworking British folk trying to make a living despite immigrants trying to steal their jobs. Narrated by Michael Portillo.
3.30pm - Boris'll Fix It
Boris Johnson makes millionaires' dreams come true in a multitude of ways. This week a young Conservative gets his wish to see Noel Edmonds deep fried and UKIP's Paul Nuttall teaches young racists how to be extremely vile but use Freedom of Speech as an excuse.
4pm - The Great British Show
How Great is it to be British? The Hairy Bikers and whatever ubiquitous celeb is popular this week travel round the sleepy villages and expensive homesteads of little England and completely ignore the despair raging all around them. This week they meet a man who has 400 gold bars in his cellar and a woman who sticks pins in Asians at bus stops.
5.15pm - Pointless
Because its a National Treasure and Xander is related to the queen.
6pm - The Main Good News
Presented by Fiona Bruce, but not the lesbian with huge tits or that Alagiah bloke. Huw Edwards is a wee bit iffy too.
6.30pm - Regional Xenophobia
Presented by Stewart White; local issues trivialised and compared to a sunny round of golf.
7pm - The One Britain Show
Matt Baker and his clone discuss dull boring things with C list celebrities and Tory MPs promoting their interests. Alex Jones was never allowed back after her baby (too old and Welsh) and Anita Rani is currently in an internment camp outside Bradford.
7.30pm - Eastenders
The Square continues to be overrun by Yuppies, Hipsters and property developers, while Ian Beale and the dodgy (possibly gay) pub landlord lay the foundations for a race war in Albert Square. Dot is told that only experts think smoking is bad for you.
8pm - Where Do You Think You Come From?
Uncovering the truth about some people you thought you liked but now know they have some kind of Bulgarian ancestry.
8.30pm - Junior Doctor Who
The Doctor and his assistant discover that even with all the time in the world, they can't do anything to save the NHS, so they go for a beer instead and sit and look at memes on the internet.
9pm - Have I Got Fake News For You
The long running comedy series now hosted by Paul Dacre with team captains Richard Littlejohn and Lord Beaverbrook. Guests chosen from the comments section of the Mail.
9.30pm - Universally Challenged
A documentary about the Barclay Brothers and what it's like to not pay any tax, live on an island and manipulate the country while probably being a bit creepily incestuous. Presented by Fern Cotton.
10pm - Even More Great News
Time to drop into the Good News room to see how wonderful everything is now a tin of beans is £1.
10.30pm - Anything But Question Time
The dry, lifeless corpse of David Dimbleby sits silently as extreme right wing commentators explain why ethnic cleansing is the way forward.
11.30pm - The Michael McIntyre Show
Yes. It will get that bad.
3-6am - The Wee Hours with Katie Hopkins & Louise Mensch
The two newest National Treasures have fun with stupid people throughout the small hours. Includes tips on electoral fraud, how to subvert truth and decency, and the favourite feature - Jingoism around the World.
Rinse and repeat.
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